While children tend to grieve for a shorter period of time, their grief is no less intense than that experienced by adults. Children may also undertake unexpected behaviours, including acting out. Children may react in ways that adults wouldn't. They may draw pictures of their pet underground, bury stuffed toys, or ask disturbing questions about what is happening to their pet's body underground. All of these responses are normal and healthy. Young children are less able to express their feelings in words and are more likely to 'act out' what they feel. They may show anger or aggression in various situations that do not seem connected to the animal's death. They may start displaying regressive behaviour such as bed-wetting and thumb sucking. They may experience separation anxiety or complain about not feeling well. Children may think it was something they did or thought that caused their pet to die. Even if they do not express it, it is often helpful to reassure the child that he/she was not responsible for the death of the pet. They may repeatedly come back to the subject, so be patient, and where appropriate suggest the following tips.
- Give the child permission to work through their grief. This includes telling teachers about the pet’s death and encouraging the child to talk freely even if the owners are distressed by it. The giving of hugs and reassurance is beneficial, as is discussing death, dying and grieving openly and honestly.
- Showing your own grief in front of your child is healthy as well. Hiding grief might make children wonder why YOU don't miss the presence of the pet in the house. In extreme cases this may lead to them wondering if you would be sad if they died. Grieving and crying in front of a child validates to the child that these emotions are OK to express.
- Help children memorialise their pet. This can include setting up a ‘shrine’, with photos, incense and candles, planting a tree, or just drawing picture. Some children might like to start a journal of pet memories
Explaining death to children
Terminology is crucial when talking to children about death. When explaining pet loss, use the words "death," "dead," "dying" instead of euphemisms, because these are concrete words that children can understand. Be clear, because children's minds may extrapolate harmful connotations from sugar-coated explanations. Avoid the euphemism ‘put to sleep’ as children may begin to think that being 'put to sleep' at night can be an irreversible process. Avoid euphemisms like “God took your pet”, as children may learn to fear their god. Include the child in all decisions where appropriate. Explain that death is permanent. Do not tell your children that their pet ran away or that you gave it to a friend. That gives children a different kind of grief. They wonder why their best friend has left them or why you would want to separate them from a pet that meant so much to them.
Talk about the death of a pet before the death occurs. Where possible invite the child to take part in the decision-making process. Recognise that eliminating children from the decision-making can make them feel completely helpless about the fate of their pet. Reading books about grief and pet loss to children opens the door for both parents and children to talk about the possibility of losing their pet. If appropriate, prepare the child ahead of time for the death. This can be very important, as children may wish to take pictures of their pet or make other mementos.
Many different things factor in to how a child will deal with death. Their age and maturity are important factors, together with the pre-existing relationship between them and their pet. The circumstance of the pet’s death is important, as are any other events or losses that the child has experienced. The ability of the parents and others (including veterinary staff) to provide support will also play an important role in helping the child work through the grief.
Children’s Age and Grief
Under Two:
Children under two can sense stress in the house even though they do not know the cause. They need extra comfort and attention during the grieving period. Infants and very young children may not understand the death of a pet, but they are very aware of the tension and change in emotional state of those around them. Parents can reassure them by hugging and holding them, and keeping the household routine as normal as possible will help.
Toddlers and preschool age:
Children 2 to 5 may believe they are invincible. Death to them is seen on TV with resurrections common in cartoons. Often these cartoon characters are animals, which does not help them to understand the finality of death for their own pets. Explaining death without euphemism will help them better understand it later. Children under seven may need help in understanding that the pet will not wake up or come home.
School age on:
While young school age children have a better grasp on the finality of death, in their minds the world revolves around them. As a result, guilt may play a part more heavily in their grieving processes. For example, if they have had thoughts like “ I hate walking Fluffy every day, I wish she was gone’, then Fluffy does die, they may end up believing that they were in fact the cause of their pets death. Children between the ages of 7 and 12 can understand the permanence of death. They may ask many questions about how and why the pet died. Children over 12 years of age (adolescents) may have a very difficult time recovering from grief and may not be open about how much emotional pain they are experiencing. |
